Finding the Right Divorce Attorney
To find a divorce lawyer, I went to Google. I called several and was quoted, “starting at $5000 retainer”. What’s a retainer I said? That is how much I knew. I had to briefly tell my story, answer some questions and was told, they would discuss it and call me back. Several called me back and based on my ex-husband’s employer, there was a conflict of interest. He worked for a company that provided IT and internet services. I looked at our joint bank account and doubled that cost. Together we would deplete our savings by $10,000! Due to several “conflict of interest” rejections, a friend suggested we look to a neighboring town. The first one I called had no conflict of interest and he would see me in the next day or two. I needed to get this going. I wanted it over before I even started. He seemed like a decent guy, what did I know about divorce attorneys? He said he charged a $1500 retainer and processes the documents for you through final divorce. He also would allow us to share his services because, “After you figure out the kids, the rest is all calculators”.
Fast forward to the end. My bargain attorney notified me he had a bigger case and would not be in court. We got divorced WITHOUT an attorney present.
In the years following my divorce, I learned daily, yes daily, how much was lacking in the decree. Now divorced kids and left to figure it out without a parenting plan, no guardrails, nothing in writing about coparenting or sharing expenses. We didn’t figure it out. We fought it out, sometimes daily, and our kids were largely (and permanently) impacted by this conflict. I had no clear expectations of what a divorce attorney should do because I had no experience…... I wish I had known better.
Here is what you should expect:
A divorce attorney helps individuals navigate the legal process of ending a marriage. They provide guidance on:
Legal Procedures
Property and Asset Division
Child Custody and Support
Spousal Support
Negotiation and Mediation
Representation in Court
Here is what NOT to expect:
Counseling or Therapy
Financial Planning
Make Personal Decisions
Provide Details about Coparenting.
Guarantee Outcomes
You know you have the right attorney when:
1. You feel supported on 1-6 above and represent only you.
2. The divorce attorney is open to a very detailed Parenting Plan (see Digital Products) that is part of the final divorce decree or marital settlement agreement.
3. The encourage amicable by helping you manage legal expectations.
4. They are timely in their response.
5. They are open to you working with a divorce coach.
Prepare Yourself!
Use your retainer money wisely and go to each meeting prepared:
1. Educate yourself. See Definitions in digital products and know the basics.
2. Have the household assets divided with initials by the itemized list. (See Digital Products for a very useful template on Household Contents).
3. Be responsive and forthcoming with all financial requests and your desires for how things are handled and split.
4. If possible, and I highly recommend this, get the Parenting Plan from my Digital Products and start discussing it with your soon to be ex. Your divorce and legal coparenting journey starts now and goes until they are 18. If you are not planning for all those possible scenarios, you are failing yourself and your kids.
5. Be reasonable with what you are asking. No one comes away from a divorce a “winner”. The more you fight, the more it costs.
Careful of the “white coat effect”. What is this? When a person with a white coat on (doctor) tells you your virus is in need of antibiotics, you believe him or her because that white coat has a credible impact. Most often, we don’t ask questions. We pay the copay and trot on over to the pharmacy. Same thing with divorce lawyers. Whatever they say, we believe…. After all, they are divorce attorneys, they are the subject matter experts. Have they given you options to consider? Do they know your spouse? Do they know your kids? If you don’t feel they are tailoring an action plan to you and your situation, you may not have the right person.
If you feel this is a template divorce, this is how every divorce out of this law firm works, if you feel it makes it most convenient for the attorney, if you feel they are warning you “that could cost more in legal fees” and using scare tactics, if you feel they are distracted, if every email response is done by a legal assistant and doesn’t answer the question, run! Run even faster if you are feeling dismissed, in the way, squeezed in, warned about “too much detail”. Run if you hear things like “you can decide that later”.
There are some very collaborative and honest attorneys out there. They will put your best interest in mind. The attorney should feel open to having a divorce coach be your thinking and decision partner. With good divorce coaching and solid legal support, you can get through this divorce and come out even happier with your kids at your side!
