Christmas and Divorce
Should we start with the bad news or the good news? I always pick bad news first. As a parent, you don’t want to miss anything. When it comes to sleepy eyes remembering that Santa has likely come, you want to see them sprint in their pjs to the Christmas tree. Now, post divorce, you may have that every other year. Or worse, if one parent lives out of town, you may only get these holidays every other year. This is one of the harshest realities of divorce.
The good news is that you DO get them at some point, and YOU get to make your new traditions. Holidays may not be celebrated on that specific day. But they will be peaceful, without eggshells to walk on, without dodging your spouse in the kitchen due to residual anger from a recent argument. Remember, after your divorce, you are starting your new normal and this is up to you.
As a divorce coach, I can’t cover this well for you without many repeated references to a parenting plan. Leaving these topics to be discussed and determined without parameters decided, agreed and signed off on is a recipe for conflict. That conflict will become holiday memories for your kids. Let’s start with the big one: Christmas.
Christmas: It Doesn’t Have to be on The Day.
Staying on the theme in the intro, you may have to pivot off the nationally known day. Did you know, Santa receives letters from kids all over the country? He reads all of them! Including the ones from the kids of divorce telling him, they will be at Dad’s on December 25 and Mom’s on December 26. Divorce kids are the lucky ones! Sometimes they get two Christmas mornings! And two Christmas eves!
Don’t Pack too Much In.
Kids do not want to open presents on Christmas morning then quickly shuffle, to the breakfast table, then quickly move to get dressed and on to the next house. While in the moment, when young, they may be excited to see what is under the next tree. As my kids got older, they said it was too much. And they felt the stress of being late for the next parent. I recommend you write a very detailed parenting plan as it relates to the major holidays. Priority 1 is time with parents. Priority 2 is the time with Grandparents and cousins. If you are lucky enough to all, be in a 20 mile radius, all stops may be doable. But do not split Christmas eve into 2 hours. Christmas morning into two houses. Rather, for example, it is better for someone to get Christmas eve and someone gets Christmas morning then rotate it each year.
Be very specific on start and end time. Be very specific on who transports and where the exchange is and add it to your parenting plan.
Family Traditions are Important
If your ex’s family always has brunch at his parents late Christmas morning, it is important to maintain that. Write that specifically into the parenting plan. Also, if a tradition ends, such as the brunch just mentioned, you should write that a change in traditions warrant a change in how the holiday is handled. For example, if Grandpa and Grandma move to Florida and Christmas is now celebrated with them on January 13, that doesn’t mean your ex gets that brunch slot on Christmas day. The schedule may need to be reconsidered.
If your side doesn’t plan ahead, you may have a 50/50 chance it will fall on your weekend. Write that in your parenting plan! “ The Smith Family Christmas is TBD year to year. Notification of this date will be at least 3 days before”. This was my family, things varied year to year. Because it was not always my parenting time, and we were high conflict, my kids missed my family side on occasion.
I had little traditions with my kids that they remembered and looked forward to each year. Such as baking the same type of Christmas cookie and using the same tins to store them, even though small, was still important and memorable. We used the same holiday plates. We had the tradition of reading the same Christmas theme books and at some point, watched the movie Polar Express.
Make the effort to think about who does what and what is important to your kids and get those on paper.
Some Traditions will Change and Some will End
You can maintain some previously all family traditions now as a single parent or maybe you bring joiners. Annually, as a family, we would get in pjs and drive around looking at Christmas lights sipping hot chocolate listening to Christmas music. Post divorce, I did that as a single parent. It was a joy.
The first year putting lights outside, my daughter rocked it. At 12, she got up on the ladder to reach some higher branches. My son, 9, helped by being the entertainment with the dog. Later, when it came time to dragging the tree in, we had some laughs about all three of us pushing it through the door. It was the start of creating some new memories.
Just know, not everything can be status quo. Your family has changed. Holidays are what you make of them. Rather than dwell on the past, find your happy place in your new normal! You owe that to your kids AND yourself. Take care of yourself! You also need to be on the list!
