It Doesn’t Work Like That…. Divorce Misconceptions
Clearing up misconceptions about divorce and kids.
When I hear tell people I am a Certified Divorce Coach, most have not heard of the concept. Understandably, I get some questions and false comments that I have come to expect. I also hear misconceptions when I meet with clients. I often say, it doesn’t work like that. Here are some of the common misconceptions about divorce:
“Mothers always get custody of the kids.”
First, let’s be clear about what the difference between joint legal custody vs. physical placement. Child custody is decision making in several major categories such as education, religion, healthcare. Child placement is where the child lives.
Fathers can and will be equal (or more) when it comes time to custody and placement. What decides child custody and placement time, is what is in the best interest of the child.
In my Divorce Start Guide, I go through some basics about divorce and divorce with kids.
“I won’t let my husband have custody. He doesn’t even know the kids.”
The most involved parent doesn’t automatically prevail when it comes child custody or physical placement. Whether or not a co-parent knows the name of the kid’s best friend or the pediatrician’s name, doesn’t typically factor in. In the eyes of the family law, at least in my state, both married parents have equal rights to the children. The court begins with the presumption that joint legal custody is in the child’s best interest.
“Divorce will mess up my kids. I don’t know if I can go through with filing for divorce.”
The emotional impact of divorce on kids is significant. But also, so is living in a home with turmoil. Your kids are likely walking through minefields of conflict, dodging bad moods, noticeable silence between parents, getting caught in the crossfire, having special days dampened and sleeping under the weight of daily tension, feeling sad for themselves and you, having to fake to the world and on social media that all is well! The divorce itself does not mess up kids. It is the conflict and the emotional turmoil that hurts them.
“My attorney said detailed parenting plans are a problem because they are inflexible.”
Parenting plans are the operation manual for co-parenting. That false statement also assumes you will divorce amicably. That could be true, but it doesn’t always stay true. Once the divorce is final, circumstances could change. I had an amicable divorce until three months after it was final and when I started dating. Then, it went real south, real fast.
The other season of life that usually makes co-parenting difficult and can often lead to disagreements on how to approach parenting is when the kids become teenagers. Now what? No detailed parenting plan and you have an impasse on a major decision. Where do you go from here? Family court again? Text war? Kids in the middle? Hard feelings? Now multiply that times the hundreds of decisions you will make as a parent. Try to do that with someone who may dislike so much, it is hard to put the kids first. And they don’t.
Get parameters in place BEFORE will help you avoid family court over and over. Wouldn’t you just reference the court ordered Parenting Plan? So much nicer!
“I can’t go without seeing or talking to my kids every day.”
I am not going to tell you it isn’t hard. It can be a lonely season in the beginning especially right after the divorce is final. If you continue to feel sad, alone, and bored, it is time to get up and get at it. Frittering away time, calling people and complaining about your ex-husband, and waiting by the window for your kids and your parenting time, will only make it worse. Step out and spend your time without your kids on valuable experiences. Do things that fill your cup! Quality time spent will give you that serotonin boost you need and put you in a better mindset for when they return. Give your kids an orderly, peaceful house when they return. And, most importantly, the best version of you! This is one area of divorce coaching I love. It is rewarding to see clients in my divorce coaching sessions, primarily women, glow up post-divorce.
Check out my “Divorce Glow Up Bundle for Moms”. “Glow Up” is a term for a positive and noticeable transformation. Contents Include: Top 10 Perks of Divorce, 50 Things to Do Without Your Kids, Self Care, You Got This Playlist
“I am thinking about filing for divorce. I better call a divorce attorney tomorrow”.
That is not your first call. You have divorce preparation work to do. I understand, when it comes to filing for divorce, no one knows where to start. The first step is understanding the divorce process. Getting informed about divorce, understand what you will be asking and get some divorce coaching. Organizing and doing some preparation before legal interactions will be how you best advocate for yourself and your kids.
Don’t be like me! I walked into a divorce attorney’s office, with a blank pad of paper and a pen. When he told me he could do our divorce for $1500. That is all I needed to hear. What savings! Where do I sign?
No mention of a parenting plan. Because he talked us into a permanent 2-2-3 placement arrangement, told us the court would only allow for 50-50. I don’t even think he used the words custody or placement, it was that generic. From there he told us, “It’s all calculators”. I doubted this was so simple. Yet, he was “wearing a white coat”. So, that is what I went with. What did I know about divorce? Nothing!
Guess how many times I was back in court with my ex disputing something as a result of not having a Parenting Plan? Four. And there were no winners. I repeat, no winners. And my kids lived through a high conflict divorce coparenting journey.
What is the morale of the story? Be your own self advocate and understand the process. Turn over the stones and look underneath. Forecast the icebergs up ahead. Get support from a certified divorce coach who can help clear up the misconceptions!
