5 TOP PARENTING PLAN MISTAKES

Keep your kids out of the middle! Make sure a detailed parenting plan is part of the final divorce decree!

When it comes to parenting plans, your situation could not be worse than mine.  My attorney never said those two words.   In fact, what my divorce lawyer said, almost exactly was:

“Just figure out the kids schedule and the rest is just calculators.”

That was, by far, the worst divorce advice I had received.  In fact, that might be the worst advice I got ever.   And I paid my family law attorney for that advice!

My divorce did not included anything remotely close to a parenting plan.    We had a divorce decree with some holiday information (only the majors).   The remainder of the divorce decree was about money unrelated to the coparenting the children.    It only took two months for the train to come off the track, and it never went back on.   

When my ex-husband and I had a disagreement about something related to the kids we had nothing in writing to fall back on.   Why is having details in writing so important?

Parenting Plans are the Operation Manual for co-parenting.   Some of you may have just a few years of this if your kids are teens when you are divorcing.  Some of you may be a decade or more if your children are grade school or younger.  Expectations need to be spelled out or there is sure to be conflict and a lot of interaction with your ex.  It is just a matter of how much and how severe. 

 Studies show conflict between divorced parents is what is hardest for the kids.  So, start on the right foot for you and for your kids.  From my experience as a divorce coach, here are the five most common mistakes people make.    

 1.They are written for the year of the divorce.  You divorce when your kids are 9, 7 and 5.   So the plan references everything to do with this age and nothing to do with middle school and the most difficult years, teenagers.   The plan should include the future, all the most likely scenarios, through age 18. 

 2. You assume your divorce will remain amicable.  That belief results in details omitted.  For example, I had an amicable divorce for the first few months.  Who would need to specify Mother’s Day in a parenting plan?  I thought, of course, he would let me see them!  Then the train derailed, big time.  What was supposed to be a special day was a challenge and required a court order to allow me time with my kids the following year.    An amicable divorce is like an albino animal.  They exist, maybe you even saw one once.  But that is very rare. 

 3. They lack detail.   If each matter is not written in detail, you will have to figure it out as you go.   That means a lot of back and forth on how the parameters are executed.   If your plan says, Christmas Day will be shared evenly between the parents.   And you think, great!   I will see them half the day.  Well, what time?  Whose house do they wake up at?  Where is the transfer location?  Does the overnight placement schedule stay the same or is it altered based on Christmas Eve?   What if there is a family tradition that the kids love to attend and that is in the middle of the day?   

The plan states that extracurricular expenses are split 50/50.   Who pays?  Who reimburses?  By when?  Is there a preapproval process before the purchase?  What if one parent doesn’t agree to the activity?  What if the payment is late?  What is the process for resolution?

 4. A conflict resolution process not included.   If there is an impasse and a decision has to be made, especially relating to serious issues such as medical, academic, religious, or extracurricular issue, there needs to be a resolution plan. We can’t run to court with every conflict. We can’t retain and pay an attorney again.  The Parenting Plan should also have a process for stonewalling.  This is a lack of response from one parent when legally both parents need to decide.   These situations impact the kids in a very big way.  Make sure to identify what you will do in conflict or stonewalling.  

 5. You are talked out of it.   Everyone will likely agree there needs to be a parenting plan.  But it would not be a shocker if your ex or your ex’s divorce attorney (or your own) would try and have you eliminate the details or omit sections altogether.  If you are hearing any of this “it is too much detail, you can figure it out when / if the time comes, that’s too far in the future and hard to predict, of course, you will get Mother's Day, that’s assumed, judges won’t like all that detail”, these should be red flags that there is an attempt to talk you out of it.   So, down the road in four years when the details would have solved a conflict, who will be there to help you then? Not your family law attorney!

 I have a lot of experiential expertise in this area.   My divorce lacked a Parenting Plan.   Situations 1-5 was my way of life for 10 years!   I wish I would have known then what I know now.   If you need more help in this area, spend some time with me and check out my digital products that are great templates and guides for anyone divorcing with minor children!